Authentic Guy.....

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You know that guy who’s only after the authentic experience? Like for example he’ll only eat Chinese food if it’s a ‘real’ Chinese restaurant where actual Chinese people go to eat because to him it’s more ‘authentic’? The menu will have to be in Mandarin and he’ll look at it, pretending he knows what the fuck is going on. Then if you bring him to your Chinese restaurant where you like to go he’ll berate you for eating ‘North American’ Chinese food and tell you it’s not nearly the same as ‘real’ Chinese food? Don’t even think about using your fork instead of chop-sticks around this guy, he’ll rip you a new asshole and then tell you about when he ate with Tibetan monks on his trip to Tibet last year. Everything this guy does is better than what you do – the main thing he wants to get across to you is that he’s truly living his life and you’re just a sucker, like every one else. His experiences trump yours every time, so don’t bother. He’s not even a true one-upper – he’s kind of the opposite….like if you say “I just bought a Cadillac” he won’t say that he just bought a Lamborghini like a one-upper, instead he’ll say something like “I don’t believe in modern transportation. All I need is these two legs” and try to make you feel like an idiot for buying a car. He’s also the same guy that will tell you things like “when I go down south, I never stay at the resorts; those are for fucking tourists, man. I went down to Nicaragua last year and lived with a band of nomad native villagers in the jungles, man. I basically lived off the land until they deported me. Now that’s how you travel, man. You got to see the real deal, man, really experience the way they live, man.” Ummmm….no thanks. You can squat in the jungle with giant hissing cockroaches, deadly snakes and insects, not too mention things that swim up your urethra, and also, enjoy your bout with malaria and dysentery. I’ll stay here on a hot beach at a five-star tropical paradise sipping my rum and Coke with 90% rum and 10% Coke, getting a tan, being served by butlers. After all, it is a vacation. Of course, if he found out you’re doing that, he’d be like “oh of course you’re gonna go to one of those fake tourists traps……so typical…..how can you even enjoy that man?? Don’t you want to see the real, authentic country? Live a little man.” Maybe he’d like an authentic punch in the face.