My Rant is:
Panic? or what?
other
Lately nothing feels real.. I've always been the quiet type afraid of letting people get to know me, when I'd much rather just get to know them.. listen to them talk, instead of contribute.. I'm not always sympathetic and I'm not always nice, but I'm honest. A week ago i started to change.. became really snappy, stayed in my room, got really defensive, avoided people and contact, when i felt trapped or tied down by something I became aggressive, and started to go out less and less even left the lights off, only stayed in the darkness. When I did go out it was to get drunk and smoke, I use to hate smoking and smokers but, I had a "I want to give up on everything" feeling, it lead to drinking allot and smoking, but the smoking only happened once, I don't want to make it a habit, it's too expensive, but then again I want to smoke if it will help but i know it won't really so smart me says "No smoking is bad" other me says "Smoke, it'll help".. since then things haven't gotten better. It's hard to sympathise with words, when no one can feel what I feel, but i get these random weird .. feelings, my heart starts to race, my thoughts start to race my hands become sweaty, I get a weird feeling in my chest, I start to shake, I'd almost describe it as panic.. but I'm not afraid .. there's nothing really to be afraid of, but it keeps me out of my sleep, and it makes it hard to concentrate with a million thoughts trying to get through at once, even been getting the strangest most realistic dreams, about my past, memories, people, it wasn't always like this... it's bothering me, whats wrong with me :( why can't i just be normal? or feel normal. Is it good/normal to always be a happy drunk? No matter how sad or depressed I am alcohol always makes me happy, without fail.. I become the opposite of what i am when I'm sober, sober I'm quiet and dull, gloomy.. apathetic.. when I'm drunk I'm talkative, always laughing or smiling my eyes light up, it's like I become someone else, apparently even my accent changes, but i can never remember anything at all, and I've been known to make up the weirdest stuff when I'm drunk, but I'm always honest sober.. I'm just one very troubled person it would seem. :P
Comments
Panic attacks are what you're describing. They can be brought on by triggers, or when something is wrong. What is "wrong" sounds like a mild depression to me. You've got mood swings, you've isolated yourself, and you can't be happy without an escape- alcohol- which has, in return, given you the symptoms of alcoholism. If alcohol is the ONLY thing that makes you happy, then perhaps you may be an alcoholic? If it is what you turn to for an answer at all times, then it sounds like you are.
My advice, see a doctor about the panic attacks. There are specific exercises and diets that can help those go away. (exercise here not meaning "go running" or anything. it's like a routine, a simple sit and relax thing) I can't tell you for sure if it's depression, but they can tell you and help you out with it. That way, you can REMEMBER being happy instead of drowning yourself with nothing to show for it in the end.